Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.