I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
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His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
What a chick magnet..
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird