ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
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If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I love the honesty
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?