me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn