me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
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Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The smoothest fall of all time
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾