@Smuirf

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.

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@AndyJokedAgain

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

@MUMSIEesq

The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.

@GayAtHomeDad

If your partner/spouse tells you they’re not reading everything you tweet:

A) they’re lying
B) hi honey!

@PoodleSnarf

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

@LeBearGirdle

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

@underchilde

Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.

@TheWeirdWorld

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

@tweetfaver

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?