[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?