I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.