I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
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sleeping beauty
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.