ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.