@TheAndrewNadeau

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

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@brynnester

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help

@brianbowman73

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

@CheetoBandito77

I stepped on the scale today.

Not to get my weight. I just couldn’t reach the cookies in the cupboard.

@PJTLynch

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

@kyle_thatisall

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@Dutch_50

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

@LittleMissAngr1

I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.

@HenpeckedHal

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

@eric10F

Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair