[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
#winning
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
peep davidson
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe