Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
When he asks for feet pics
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions