Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
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Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.