Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.