[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
#SaturdayBears
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Any refunds available?…
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.