Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Coworker: GOOD MORNING!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee