@EndhooS

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

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@radtoria

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

@Miniwheats2012

My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.

@simoncholland

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

@Elizasoul80

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

@Beagz

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

@krissywillbretz

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

@BackrowSeats

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.

@bazlyons

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

@Shingaboop

Coworker: GOOD MORNING!

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee

Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee

Me: Exactly