Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!