*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.