@yendys1

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

You Might Also Like

@marebytes

Hey people who design vacuums- Why the headlight?
Are people vacuuming in the dark? or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen?

@iQuoteComedy

Final Destination 5″ …well someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “Final.”

@Cheeseboy22

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

@DaddyJew

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@2facedshepherd

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

Me: “Yup.”

Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”

Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”

@smhluckyme

If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?

@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.