him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
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Hey people who design vacuums- Why the headlight?
Are people vacuuming in the dark? or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen?
Final Destination 5″ …well someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “Final.”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”
Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”
Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”
If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?
Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.