As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
You Might Also Like
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Momma bird: welcome to the world!
Baby bird: thx!
M: for the next few months instead of food, I’ma just throw up in your mouth.
B: wait what