It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
You Might Also Like
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
⛄️
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”