[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR