@robdelaney

Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.

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@simoncholland

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

@alexlumaga

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

@FilthyRichmond

A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.

@DaleInc

This drink tastes like the neighbors will be hearing late night small arms fire. I swear I just saw a coyote or a squirrel or a tree or a…

@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

@Holbornlolz

Eastern Europe – 1989

“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”

@ericsshadow

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls