@adult_keverage

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

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@UnFitz

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

@Darlainky

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

@TheAndrewNadeau

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

@joeldanger

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

@BadMikeyBad

Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels

@Pro_Jones_

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

@AndyJokedAgain

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

@david8hughes

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating