Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.


Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?


Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.


Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels


(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.


ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.


I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.


A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating