Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

You Might Also Like


What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.


Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve


ME: My husband has a cold do you have those euthanasia pills?
PHARMACIST: I think you mean echinacea pills haha
ME: No.


I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.


Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.


BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!


The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.


“It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.”


“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”


Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.