@StephJoLanders

Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.

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@waitfortheQ

This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .

@SveldtSmelt

If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.

@osno13

i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can’t finish my corndog

@LukeEMiaPI

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

@joci2203

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

@iwearaonesie

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

@KeetPotato

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?