Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…