Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.