Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.


“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened


[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”


Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.


A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.


My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.


‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.


Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.


On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity