Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s