#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[on my way back to the posting caves]
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
me irl
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.