Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Beware…..
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…