Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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Taking phone security to the next level.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.