@cjwerleman

Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.

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@Jennarater

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

@kumailn

7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them.
8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.

@LoneWolfStories

Her: OMG! The holidays aren’t an excuse to stuff your face with whatever edible that crosses your path.

Me: I eat like this everyday.

@pinupteacher

ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.

GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.

ME: This is bullshit.

@senderblock23

If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.

@Brampersandon_

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

@Brampersandon_

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

@thegoodgodabove

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.