Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
another case of gang violins
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
girls literally only want one thing..
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed