@TheToddWilliams

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

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@JediGigi

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

@MableGertrude

I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

@mooodles

People who comment with ‘goose bums’ on YouTube videos, more power to you!

@gojarbe

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

@sageboggs

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

@Angel_150913

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

@TweetPotato314

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?