@TheToddWilliams

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

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@qwertying

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.

*wife phones*

Wife: What you doing?

Husband: Missing you.

@jovialjennay

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

@happymilly1

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

@DirtMcTurd

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

@KentWGraham

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

@TheAlexNevil

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

@Mom_Overboard

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

@LizHackett

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

@VisionBored1

my husband took away all the toys and screens from my sons for a week and all I want to know is what did I do to deserve this