Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
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I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.
People who comment with ‘goose bums’ on YouTube videos, more power to you!
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
this FaceApp is creepy af
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?