Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.