Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.