Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.


him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha


me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*


[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*


My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.


I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.


It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.


My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE


A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?