@kibblesmith

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

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@BigHeb7

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

@urmumsausername

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

@utofellatio

[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*

@OMGSoOverIt

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

@UncleDuke1969

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

@brettminor

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

@ChicksRule

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

@1evilidiot

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?