Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
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[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.