Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*