Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.