Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”