Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“Everyday I’m shoveling” – Canadians Theme Song.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.