microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
having children is a pyramid scheme.