@vonTraphaus

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

You Might Also Like

@HiddleDeeDee

6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.

@illiter8too

Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.

@JasonBerlin

You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

@CrankyPappy

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

@briancthayer

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

@3sunzzz

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

@duplicitron

*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.