Foxes are just dogs made out of cats.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.
It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.
Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.
You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.