Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!