@SaltyCorpse
Foxes are just dogs made out of cats.
@vonTraphaus
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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@SaltyCorpse
@HiddleDeeDee
6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.
It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.
@illiter8too
Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.
@JasonBerlin
You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.
@CrankyPappy
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
@lizetagge
Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
@OhNoSheTwitnt
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
@briancthayer
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
@3sunzzz
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
@duplicitron
*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.