@vonTraphaus

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

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@mommajessiec

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

@Storminika

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

@Jake_Vig

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

@Sassafrantz

teen son: ’cause the boyz n the hood are always hard /u come talkin that trash we’ll pull your card
mom: take out the trash & mow the yard.

@truegritrumble

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

@thedadvocate01

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

@Contwixt

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

@Dutch_50

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

@Probgoblin

Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.