Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I think I’m having a stroke
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.