Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

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[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?


Give the chick a break. Kristen Stewart TOTALLY looks sorry. Or happy. Or sad. Or constipated.


– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_


– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”


When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.


“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”


The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.