@Mardigroan

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

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@markydoodoo

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

@RadOrDie

Give the chick a break. Kristen Stewart TOTALLY looks sorry. Or happy. Or sad. Or constipated.

@Jeffwni

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

@BGH70

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

@Jedi_Daddy

“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”

@mellimelle

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.