Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
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Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
the best thing i’ve ever made
At least try to make it slightly believable
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.