@uncalmable

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

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@MarfSalvador

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@Browtweaten

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

@IamEveryDayPpl

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

@poutinesmoothie

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

@Kyle_Lippert

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

@crylenol

CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted

@Jackson5toLife

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.