If my mom had her own music genre it would be heavy meddle.
Microwaves should have a “Pfft” button.
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
someone do this to my school