@Chicken_Hawk38

Microwaves should have a “Pfft” button.

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@maughammom

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

@Wylie_Riley

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

@AmberTozer

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

@MrPeeker

Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

@yonewt

Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie

@FuckabillyRex

That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!