Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Noted.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Mmmm canned fish.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Lmao the reply
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER: