Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen