midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
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I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Passwords are more important than ever.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I am HOWLING at this
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.