Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My wedding will be open casket.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?