imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!
I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)
Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.