@leapeajo

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

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@DanMentos

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

@Chhapiness

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

@Pee_And_Giggles

18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!

I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.

@ElgatoEsmio

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

@LeahsLounge

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

@Brentweets

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

@liv_thatsme

(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)

Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS

@Overdue_Bills

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.