Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.