@AaronFullerton Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, “Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system.” Oh boy!
@SimplySnaccbar [middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
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@AaronFullerton 
@Kendragarden I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
@KingsnorthAP Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
@Mr_Kapowski “The first mechanic lied to you”
– Every 2nd opinion mechanic
@markedly my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
@MUMSIEesq 5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
@causticbob I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
@LeBearGirdle Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope