[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Lmao
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?