@SimplySnaccbar

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

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@darksidedeb

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

@Cheeseboy22

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

@BoomBoomBetty

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

@TheCamJude

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

@Twtercide

911: What is your emergency?

Me: Fire

911: Riley, is that you?

Me:….

911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.

@Browtweaten

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

@mom_ontherocks

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.