[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.


Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.


This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.


Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.


“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*


911: What is your emergency?

Me: Fire

911: Riley, is that you?


911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.


therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning


I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.