@darksidedeb
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
@SimplySnaccbar
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
You Might Also Like
@darksidedeb
@Cheeseboy22
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
@BoomBoomBetty
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
@LosLos__
Cheese isn’t just grate, it’s legendairy.
@Fickle_Filly
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
@TheCamJude
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
@Twtercide
911: What is your emergency?
Me: Fire
911: Riley, is that you?
Me:….
911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.
@Browtweaten
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
@mom_ontherocks
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
@WhoCuppedMyCake
I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg…making me a MERMAID!