“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

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The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.


I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life


Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.


Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.


My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.


Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?


Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her


*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror


It would be so satisfying if I found out Enya’s last name is Face