@TheHyyyype

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

@FatherWithTwins

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

@kumailn

Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.

@MissAnneBlondie

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

@JustDontBugMe

My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.

@LlamaInaTux

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

@psybermonkey

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

@beedubyah1

It would be so satisfying if I found out Enya’s last name is Face