@CanadianBeave13

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

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@just1fool

Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.

@Smooheed

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

@AndyAsAdjective

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

@sofarrsogud

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

@DrakeGatsby

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

@xysist

Dad: Where were you?

Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral

Dad: You grounded

@amishschool

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

@DothTheDoth

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.