A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Dad: Where were you?
Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral
Dad: You grounded
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.