@_ElvishPresley_

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

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@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@bylinetd

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

@badbanana

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

@Carbosly

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

@HelmdawgE

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.