@_ElvishPresley_

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

You Might Also Like

@3sunzzz

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

@CourtneyBale

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

@daplusk

‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically

@topshelftyson

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

@LurkAtHomeMom

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

@sixthformpoet

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

@Gooooats

When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve

@jctwritesstuff

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

@the_moonface

Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.