ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere

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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.


When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.


‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically


One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone


Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.


I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.


When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve


Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.


Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.