Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
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Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.