[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I had to Stop for this
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.