Men don’t ask for driving directions because we just don’t want to arrive wherever you’re making us go.
Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.
Trainer: You only did a single push-up.
Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Wife: Why are you like this?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs