Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”