@SthembileSimel5

Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..

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@girlnarly

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

@mostlysharks

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

@dmc1138

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

@WritePlay

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

@QwertyJones3

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@david8hughes

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

@Elizasoul80

Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.

@Sophie2078

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

@djderk

I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday

@disa_panda

Her: What did you do for fun in college?

Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high