[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..
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you: babe i love you
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday
Her: What did you do for fun in college?
Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high