Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..

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Men don’t ask for driving directions because we just don’t want to arrive wherever you’re making us go.


It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.


Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.


I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.


Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.


Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?


Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?


Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.


My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses


three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs